Blinking cursors and death mock us all

I've received a message recently that I should write, that I hadn't done so in a while and that it would help what I'm going through.

I've developed a fear of death that I've never really had before.

My Grandma passed away in January and probably two months later, just driving home with Paul, it just hit me hard that one day, I'll be dead too. And I became instantly scared and it hasn't fully left me yet.

I no longer have a strong belief system so I'm worried about an After, about what it entails.

I have to believe there's SOMETHING. Both for my own sanity to carry me through to the end, and because there's just SO MUCH unexplained spiritual things that everyone who experiences them can't be making it up or be hallucinating. There has to be someone or something.

But then sometimes I wonder what the point is. If we're going to die and go to an unsure fate, why put up with things? Also, what do I personally have to live for? I have no great things slated for me. What am I here for? To collect Ponies? To see how Night Vale will end? To watch stupid TV shows and movies? I've got very little going on in my life. I don't think I'm meant for very much else. I have little drive to change things, and my situation is stagnant.

I do have friends I care deeply about. I do love my boyfriend, Paul. I still care for Steve. I love my Brony friends and Granpa (even though I don't call him often, which is something I regret still about Granma).

I wonder about reincarnation and a next life. I'll probably not remember this one, as I don't have any conscious memories of any previous ones. And if somehow, there's nothing, well, then I won't be conscious of it so I won't know the difference either way.

I wonder if we create the afterlife with our energies while living. I wonder if atheists are people who lived so many lifetimes they're prepared to go into oblivion or meld with a greater being and not come back. I wonder if conservatives are people who get to the afterlife and realize how horrible they were, then go into their next life as someone they oppressed as penance and for clarity.

This is something I need to get over, as there is no cure for death. I'm going to die someday. We all are. I wonder if I'll be the first friend that dies. What would everyone say?

I'm not obese (I don't think), but I am overweight. As much as I'd love to be pretty and slim and healthy and live long, I want to eat way too much. I'm out of work today because I have stomach issues from a food I love that I apparently don't react to very well.

I once found a Sylvia Browne book years ago on the afterlife. Like, LITERALLY found it on the street. At the time I read it and cried and took it as a sign I'd be okay. Then I started to find out the falseness of many of her other aspects a few months later.

The thing is, a friend told me not to take stock in such books recently, but right after told me two elements that I recall reading in the book. So if anything, she may have had a gift and it became corrupted through her attempts to monetize it. Or a lucky guess.

I'm trying my best to just ride through with this. Its greatly confusing to me, and scarey. I guess all we can do is live in the moment and try to be decent people while we're here.

I swear I'm going to start writing more. You all still need to know about Paul and how I've been after breaking up with Steve.

See you soon. <3

Hello? Is anybody out there still?

Wow this is dusty! Has it really been that long? Over two years since my last update? I'm so sorry.

Seems like LJ died off vastly. I'm really bummed. Maybe people will slowly start to trickle back now that other places are getting too loud?

Anyways, I owe y'all an update. I'm taking this in bites. Right now I'm adjusting my horizontal hold profile to reflect some changes/updates/fixing how I spoke back then.

I've changed most my screennames from Steves_Minty to MintamenaPie for the most part. I couldn't on Etsy, and YouTube is a whole 'nother story I don't even...The MLPArena allowed me to change it but I need admin permission on the MLPTP and that's also a Story.

But I'm very active on my Twitter:
and Tumblr: Feel free to follow me there, just comment here first so I know who you are.

So who else is reading but doesn't update? What's new with you?

Steve and I are taking a break

I really can't say "broke up." It sounds so very final and I'm really not ready to say that.

But yeah. We're having some time not being together.

I love him so very much. I never ever thought someone would ever find me attractive. He does. For seven years we've been together and no one knows us as completely as we do,

I didn't want to do this.

But we are not where I wanted us to be at this point in our lives. I want to be his wife. We can't even live together right now.

This hurts so very much and I did not want to do this. I always imagined his face at the end of the aisle.

If I don't go now and see what else is out there, I could be stuck in this exact situation for another seven years.

I love him so much. He's saved my life. I swear I would have hurt myself long ago without his presence here.

I'm at a friend's place and am still distracted. They're making me feel so much better right now.

I hope I made the right decision.

I love him.

I never talked about AnimeNext, did I?

Lets play Summer Catch Up! XD

Firstly, I'm not going upstate in August. Kiera is spending the summer with her boyfriend down in NJ, and originally she was going to be back up in time for the local fair. Sadly, her grandmother passed away last month. She's been cremated, and they're having a memorial for her in Jersey two weeks or so after Kiera would have gone up anyway, so she's staying down there until then, and her family will just bring her back up. Its a bummer that she spent all this time down here and we weren't able to see each other. Maybe I can see them during the memorial.

I'm going to spend the next few days posting about what I've been up to. Let's go back to June with AnimeNext.

I left that Thursday night to meet with beechan2 and our roommates, all her pals. Awesome people, Jenn and Indira, and we were eventually joined by Indy's boyfriend Illya. Very fun people, it looks like I'll get to see Indy again at the NY comic con in October (more on that in a few days).

I took the Rainbow Dash cosplay, and as soon as I walked in on Friday to get my badge I got a call out! ^__^ And I found a Fluttershy and we called each others names and hugged!

SO many people recognized me and wanted my pics. As a fat brightly colored chick, that was awesome. Its my first full on not for Halloween cosplay and I'm so proud of the work we did, and everyone's reactions made me so happy!

I went to visit Bee in Artists Alley and found TWO Applejacks running booths! One was Wyndsilver from the message boards, and I ended up buying some Rainbow Dash cutie mark earrings and a Mane Six cutie mark bracelet from her. I love them!

The other Applejack was organizing a Pony cosplay photoshoot for Saturday at two, with us meeting in front of Artists Alley, so I spent a good amount of time telling everyone who took my picture (PEOPLE ASKED TO TAKE MY PICTURE!!!!) about the shoot and recommending they show up and hang out. <3 I also told the couple of other Pony cosplayers I found.

Saturday was fun. One of my favorite moments was walking back through the reg room and seeing two guys in Pony backpacks. I giggled madly and walked in front of them and waited for them to look up. Their faces when they realized I was Dash was PRICELESS!

So 2:00 rolled around and we grouped up. We had four Dashies including myself, two Pinkies, a Twilight Sparkle, a Doctor Whooves, a Big Mac, and our two Applejacks. When I caught up with Fluttershy the next day she said she was a Digidestined on Saturday. XD

We started outside and had a ball. ChristinaApplejack had hired a cosplay photographer who is now one of my online pals. She's still going through pics but here's what she has for us:

This one is a show reference. Twilight Sparkle has a spell that can give characters mustaches. XD

Here's a group shot by an unknown photographer:

While outside a guy dressed as a Pokemon Trainer came up to us. He was riding a bicycle and had an MP3 player on the handlebars. When he jumped on the bike his shtick was to play the Pokemon Bike Riding song. He looked at us, fiddled with his player, and all of a sudden the MLP FiM theme song played! <3 He played that and Winter Wrap-up for us and we had a ball!

Then it started to rain so we ran inside to the DoubleTree to continue. We went to the second level to scout out a new picture area and saw a bunch of Doctor Who players in a prime spot. We called down to ask them if they'd hold the spot, and they looked up and ACKNOWLEDGED OUR DOCTOR WHOOVES!

It was awesome.

We then took some more awesome pics (and hopefully Katsuya will have them up soon, poor girl) and our Pokemon trainer found us again! This time someone recorded us. XD At this point we only knew the chorus for Winter Wrap-up, though I can now recite the whole song.

Saturday night I attended a performance of Cosplay Burlesque, which is also playing tonight at Otakon. Really check it out if they ever attend a con you'll be at.

What a great experience, I hope to return every year. <3

Here are the few pics I managed to take. I was having too much fun. I did get a video of the annual Digimon vs. Pokemon soccer game:

My sister and some AnimeNext stuff

I can't honestly remember if I mentioned this here, but my sister is getting married on Friday.


*ahem* Sorry. >_>

Anyway, he's very nice, his name is Ben and they've been living together for a few years now. He's in a wheelchair due to a car accident when he was young. I'm not really sure of the extent of the damage, but he can get around pretty well. Its mostly in his legs.

She wants a small City Hall ceremony with the reception on the beach. So she put in for a beach permit and sent out the invites due to some pressure and people saying the permit was bound to go through.

So I purchased tickets and sent my roommates for the MLP Fair their money. The Fair is on the 8th and 9th, and I;m levaing the 7th.

Then her permit is declined because its the 4th of July weekend. >.<

So now she's still getting married this week, but the get together reception thingy has now been moved to the weekend of the Fair.

I am NOT missing the Fair. XD My father was kind of mad, but I'm paying for her wedding cake and attending the ceremony, and my sister told me the ceremony was the important thing to her. So hopefully this will blow over with minimal comments from him.

Oh, and now Ben is in the hospital over night. @__@

They went in to get a piece of his medical equipment replaced and decided to run some tests. Turns out he's diabetic and HAD A MILD HEART ATTACK WITHOUT KNOWING!

So um...he's in there overnight for observation.

He should be okay, though. Scary still.

I do have an entry about AnimeNext. A bunch of us Pony cosplayers had a photoshoot and were bopping around being silly for a good hour or so. The photographer we got is still editing pics, though, so I'm going to hold off on it for now.

The Meet!

I meant to post for a week now, but my little MP3 player went missing and I've been bummed since.

I definitely had it on the way TO meet Karen in NYC last Friday. I've been going crazy. Jewel has guests and hasn't had a chance to finish looking, the restaurant and rest stops we hit on the way down have nada, another passenger with us is checking the McD we hit in Jersey, Kar checked with the rental car people, and basically the only options left to me (after a report with the MTA and a Craigslist ad) is the Ferry's lost and found, and to put a reward poster at the bus shelter across the street from my house. More on that later.

I met up with Kar by the Port Authority at 2. She had Aura (real name) and she was pretty awesome.

We went through Jersey and picked up a last minute pal, Daria (StarGleamer). She also was pretty awesome.

We made it to Jewel's around 9, and Kar dropped off me and Daria and booked it for another collectors house. The two of them are part of My Little Pony Talk on along with another girl. They wanted to hold a two year anniversary show that night (which I'm listening to now).

Jewel's house is huge and awesome, and the living room had a wonderful amount of Pony people hanging out. <3

Since Dan and I had been working on the costume and LITERALLY finished it at the 11th hour on Thursday, I hadn't been able to try the full thing on before I left. I asked the girls if they would take a look and help me with any critique before tomorrow and they said yes. <3

They loved it, but recommended I not do the pigtails. Instead I clipped one of each lock above and below a ponytail.

Everyone LOVED it.

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I love how well the iron-on and the ears came out. I carved them from foam and covered them in felt, then attached them to the headband from a halo included with the wings.

Issues need fixing: I'm not 100% happy with how the red layer lies and feel it can use some tweaking. And I need to build up my tail. I actually was in Michaels to return stuff today and forgot I needed more embroidery floss for it. XD >.<

I have til the 9th to finish everything before AnimeNext.

I had loads of fun, and everyone loved my costume. MaycrestMom's little girls kept smiling at me. <3

Here's more pics, including customs and my purchases for those who care XD:

I didn't get home til 4:30 AM on Sunday, and that's when I think I lost my little MP3 player. I didn't need to deal with rain til literally then, and I think it may have dropped out of my bag when I pulled out my umbrella. :( I'll hang a flier there, and if he doesn't come back to me, then I hope he's making his new owner happy, like he made me happy when I found him.


 First, costume status:

Ears: Came out better than expected! I carved them from foam then covered them in felt when I realized the paint wasn't going to work. I initially wanted to attach them to those little metal bendy hairclips (which I mistakenly called banana clips) but they weren't secure enough. I was going to buy a headband but then I realized the one that held the halo that came with my wings was covered in light blue fabric that was similar to the shade I'm using.

Glued them on today and I LOVE them, came out better than I imagined!

Waiting on the two blue shirts I ordered. Unfortunately there's a SNAFU with the iron-on transfer sheets I purchased. Turns out its for INKJET only, I need  LASERJET ones!

I gotta run around and hope the craft stores sell them. If anything I can use fabric paint on one shirt and purchase the correct transfer online before AnimeNext, and yes I will be cosplaying a Pony to an anime con!

The skirt should be finished tomorrow.

I took Friday off work and will meet Karen and her friend Aura in Manhattan around 2. <3

We'll be back late Saturday.
Last weekend of the month I'll go to visit Steve.

THEN things get CRAZY!

AnimeNext is June 10-12. Gonna meet beechan2 and we're rooming with like six other girls! XD


I literally went in under an hour from:

"I don't think I'll be able to attend the Fair, you guys..."



I was in the MLPTP chat and mentioned I need a ride from NYC and Alatariel was like, "I'm going that way and back again, you can ride with ME!"
And I mentioned I would need roomies and she was like, "Ivy still needs a roomie..."
So I PMd Ivy and she checked with her roomie Lunar_Scythe and got back to me in under an hour AND I'M GOING TO  THE FAIR!
That's July 8th and 9th in Rhode Island. It RARELY comes to the east coast so I had to jump at the chance.
I felt bad since that meant that I couldn't come upstate for my vacation that week, but Kiera wanted to visit Craige in July anyway. so it was all good.
I'll go up the first weekend in August for the local fair.
And in between all that, my massive dental work will begin. Apparently as much as dad wants me out of the house, he's willing to pay for my dental work.
He confuses me.

I do NOT enjoy being a girl, thank you very much!

The stuff under the cut contains talk of bras.

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We went out again today, so my mother and sister and Jenn could try and help me with the above issue. I decided I want some rainbow nail polish for the costume. Jenn showed me a Hello Kitty mini set that had five colors, four of which I needed, for like $3. I got the other two colors in a dollar store.

But bogdammit, I hate trying to wear nail polish. I FEEL it on my nails for a while afterwards. XD<

I fiddled with some options. Its too many colors for layering so each nail is going to have two colors side by side, like this. Each hand will have:


The Hello Kitty ones aren't working so well. I'm gonna try scaring up some nail polish thinner at CVS before buying different ones, though.

I have a folder in Chrome of bookmarks of things I need to decide on and order THIS WEEK. XD

I bought a new pillow on Saturday.

What shmuck ironed a pillow that it has to have TWO warnings NOT to iron it?

People are goddamned stupid.


 Spent most of the day at the Mall.

I can't find any cheap long nylon rainbow hair, so I picked up some embroidery thread. Some people have been using it as My Little Pony hair on customs, so its my fallback. I got several skeins for about $4, so its great. <3

Random example:

Oddly enough, Best Buy had more recent releases of some Humongous Games. They had Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo and Pajama Sam 2, which I already own, but then I found Freddi Fish 2! Woot!

Found something special for a_mae_zing in the mall. <3


PIc later, if I stop I won't make the post in time. XD

Still looking for a cotton shirt for the iron on transfer. I'm forgoing fishnets for actual tights, but I want to make sure I have a decent color choice. I'm gonna show Dan the color guide for the site I wanna use and ask him.

Andrew said that the Master Chu game arrived today. <3 Its an upgrade from my old game, it actually has the box and manual. Awesomesauce.

Feeling better about this costume. I just need to decide on sneakers, but Mom and I are going out tomorrow. I want to hit up DSW as well.